Self-Esteem, Addiction and Healing the Broken Parts Within
"Have you ever felt like you're at war with yourself? One part of you is wanting to heal, while another part pulls you towards self destructive habits?”
You're not alone. Many who struggle with addiction also battle deep wounds from the past. Self-esteem is deeply connected to the way we see ourselves, and when it’s low, it can create feelings of shame, unworthiness, and self doubt. These feelings often stem from childhood wounds and early experiences of neglect, criticism, or trauma that shape your sense of self worth. In turn, these wounds can make you more vulnerable to addiction as you seek ways to soothe emotional pain, escape negative perceptions of yourself, or find a false sense of confidence.
But what if the struggle with self-esteem and addiction isn’t just about one singular “self” making harmful choices, but rather different parts of you working in ways they believe are protective?
In this blog, I will discuss how Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy can help a client understand their inner struggles with curiosity and compassion. IFS Therapy views the mind as a system of different ‘parts’, similar to an internal family. Some parts try to protect us from pain (Managers), others act impulsively to numb distress (Firefighters), and some carry deep wounds from the past (Exiles). These parts develop as coping mechanisms in response to life experiences, particularly childhood wounds. By understanding and healing these inner parts, especially those that criticise us or drive addictive behaviours, you can begin to rebuild self-esteem and break free from destructive patterns like addiction.
I worked with a client who struggled with addictive behaviours and crippling self doubt. No matter how much they achieved, they were haunted by a harsh inner voice telling them they weren’t good enough. This ‘Inner Critic,’ a Manager part, had developed in childhood when their parents set impossibly high expectations and offered little emotional support. Over time, their Firefighter part, the part that turned to emotional eating emerged, as a way to numb the shame and self judgement, offering temporary relief but deepening their sense of self loathing.
Through IFS Therapy, this client learned to see these parts not as enemies, but as protective responses to past wounds. As they built a relationship with their Inner Critic and explored its fears, they were able to soften its harshness. When they connected with their Exiled part - the wounded child inside them who felt unworthy, they finally offered it the compassion it had always needed. With time, their reliance on impulsive behaviours faded, and their self-esteem began to grow naturally, not from external validation but from an inner sense of self worth.
By understanding and healing these inner parts through IFS Therapy, you can begin to break free from destructive patterns like addictive behaviours and cultivate your own self worth in a way that feels authentic and lasting.
1. Childhood Trauma and Core Beliefs
Early experiences with caregivers, peers, or authority figures shape our core beliefs about ourselves and the world. When a child experiences emotional neglect, criticism, or rejection, they may internalise messages such as:
"I’m not good enough."
"My feelings don’t matter."
"I have to be perfect to be loved."
"I am unworthy of care and attention."
These deeply ingrained beliefs contribute to low self-esteem and often remain unchallenged into adulthood. When painful emotions arise, addictive behaviours may develop as a way to self soothe or escape.
2. Addiction as a Coping Mechanism
Many people who struggle with addiction are not just seeking a high, they are seeking relief. Substances and compulsive behaviours become ways to numb feelings of shame, fear, or rejection. These behaviours are often driven by what IFS Therapy calls Firefighter Parts, the parts of us that step in to put out the fire of emotional distress, even if their methods are harmful in the long run. Meanwhile, the Inner Critic (a type of Manager Part) often fuels this cycle by bombarding us with harsh messages, making us feel like we are never good enough. The Firefighter then steps in to ‘rescue’ us from this pain, leading to impulsive behaviors like addiction.
3. The Inner Critic and Self-Destructive Patterns
The Inner Critic (Manger part) is a key player in low self-esteem and it’s voice may sound like:
"You’ll never be good enough."
"You always mess things up."
"You don’t deserve love or success."
While the Inner Critic believes it’s keeping you from failure or rejection, it often reinforces self-hatred. This, in turn, fuels addiction as an attempt to silence or escape the harsh internal dialogue.
4. Family Dynamics and Unspoken Rules
Family systems also play a significant role in shaping self-esteem and addiction. Some common unspoken family rules that contribute to these struggles include:
"Don’t talk about emotions."
"Don’t show weakness."
"Put other people’s needs before your own."
When emotions are suppressed within a family, children learn to internalise their pain rather than express it. This can lead to lifelong struggles with self worth and coping mechanisms like addiction.
Healing Self-Esteem and Addiction Through Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy
Rather than fighting or suppressing these inner parts, IFS Therapy teaches us to understand them with curiosity and compassion. Healing comes when we:
1. Get to Know the Parts Without Judgment
Instead of seeing addiction or self criticism as "bad habits," we begin to understand that these are parts of us trying to protect us in the only ways they know how. With therapy, we can become curious about these parts rather than feeling ashamed of them.
2. Heal Childhood Wounds by Connecting with Exiled Parts
The deeply wounded parts of us, the ones that carry shame, fear, and rejection need to be acknowledged and healed. Therapy helps create a safe space to reconnect with these parts, offering them compassion instead of avoidance.
3. Transform the Role of the Inner Critic
Rather than battling self criticism, we can learn to soften the voice of the Inner Critic by understanding its protective intention. This allows us to cultivate a more compassionate and balanced inner dialogue.
4. Find Healthier Ways to Soothe Emotional Pain
Instead of addiction or impulsive coping mechanisms, we can work with our Firefighter Parts to develop healthier ways to soothe emotional distress, such as mindfulness, creative expression, or movement.
5. Lead from the Self
At the core of IFS Therapy is the belief that beneath all these parts, there is a ‘Self’, a calm, compassionate, and wise presence that can lead with clarity and healing. When we connect with this Self, we can begin to heal our broken parts and cultivate genuine self-esteem.
Final Thoughts
Self-esteem, addiction, and childhood wounds are deeply interconnected, but healing is possible. By addressing past wounds, understanding inner parts, and developing self compassion, individuals can begin to break free from destructive cycles and create a life rooted in self worth and inner peace.
If you or a loved one struggles with self-esteem and addiction, know that help is available. Therapy can help you understand and transform the parts of you that feel stuck, overwhelmed, or unworthy.
Take the First Step Toward Healing
You don’t have to navigate this journey alone or stay stuck in patterns that no longer serve you. As an Integrative Counsellor, I integrate Internal Family Systems Therapy and other compassionate approaches to help clients rebuild self-esteem, heal childhood wounds, and break free from unhealthy patterns. The parts of you that struggle with addiction or self criticism are not your enemies, they are simply trying to protect you in the only ways they know how.
Through therapy, you can learn to lead with compassion, heal past wounds, and rebuild your self-esteem. If you're ready to take that first step toward healing, I invite you to schedule a session with me today. Together, we can help your inner world feel more whole, confident, and at peace.
